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Ask Alex - How can I be sure my new boyfriend won't be abusive like my ex

Ask Alex - How can I be sure my new boyfriend won't be abusive like my ex

  • 30 November, 2020
  • Alex Thompson

Question: I have been single for a few years by choice. My last boyfriend was real abusive and hurt me so much emotionally. Now that I start dating this new guy he says that I keep comparing him to my old boyfriend but it’s not intentional. It’s just that he does so many things like him. He responds to arguments the same except that he don’t hit me but how do I know he won’t ever do it?

I am ready to settle down and start a family but I want to make sure that it’s with the right guy. This man say he’ll never hit me but I’m still apprehensive.  All men have a good talk at first but then they can become so mean. They can’t handle a strong woman who can take care of herself and they get intimidated so they believe they have to beat them to submit to them. I will never be that woman again.

We talk about marriage and he say he just waiting on me because he ready now too. Neither of us have kids and we both have good jobs. I make more money than him but he say it don’t matter. I want to make sure he ain’t just playing me. I don’t want to make the same mistake twice.


Alex Says:

Girlie, I know this may sound harsh but you need to let go of your past. Your last relationship may have left you a bit broken but you can't afford to take that hurt into your new relationship.

Yes there are some no good, lousy men out there but if you focus on the losers you’ll never see the great ones that are right under your nose. You may be trying to find problems with this guy because of your scars and it’s not fair to him. If you honestly see signs of this man being an abusive mate then leave now.

However if you are not sure and think you may be overreacting then give him a try. Sadly, the sweetest, kindest gentleman could turn out to be an angry beast and show no proclivities towards that behavior before anything actually happens. But sometimes you just don’t know. You are obviously not completely healed from your past ordeal and can not give all of yourself to any relationship right now.

Perhaps you should consider cooling down for a time until you are comfortable enough with yourself  to trust men again. If you have never sought counseling for the abuse, you should. No one can move forward until they close the chapters of their past. You are clearly stuck at a place that is dominated by fear and distrust - not a good place to be. You are depriving yourself of the full joys of being in love and sharing all of your heart with a potentially good mate. If you are ready to marry, start a family and move on with your life, you must fix your heart first.

Your have  to let down the force field and allow some one to love you, care for you and show you that ALL MEN ARE NOT ALIKE! You are worthy of a good man, don’t scare him away before he gets to know the true you. Admit your fears and ask him to go to counseling with you. It would solidify the foundation for marriage. Become best friends first and you will have a happy life later.

Don’t ever forget, if you feel that you’re not ready for a commitment, then don’t commit. It’s your life, your choice and your future. Healing is your number one priority. Good luck.

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